My cousin Todd who tracks our family’s history, shared her remarkable journey in a recent blog:

“My grandmother was born July 4, 1910, in Victoria BC.  She has lived through two world wars, and seen China change from an imperial dynasty, to a republic, to a communist state.

 She witnessed the Chinese Head Tax era, and the 1923 Chinese Exclusion Act. She welcomed 3 brothers home who served in WW2, after they were first denied the chance to fight for the country they were born in because they were Chinese.

She was granted the right to vote when she was 37 years old, when the Chinese Exclusion Act was finally appealed in 1947 and franchise was granted to Canadians of Chinese ancestry – because up until then, she was considered a resident alien. 

She has watched her grand-children become a Miss Canada 2nd runner-up, a TV news reporter, a Calgary city councilor, and a recipient of the BC Community Achievement Award.

She has appeared in an National Film Board documentary, a CBC television performance special, and CBC TV documentary about her grandfather and family descendant history.

In 2007, she received an ex-gratia payment for Chinese Head Tax settlement, because her deceased husband had paid the head tax, prior to 1923.” 

What an amazing century to have experienced first hand.  Her great grandfather came to Canada in 1896 as a Minister for the men building the railway.  He was responsible for her absolute love of a good strong cup of English breakfast tea.  At 10 years old she was charged with looking after many of her 13 brothers and sisters.  She raised 6 children of her own, then 2 of her 17 grand children.  She has 22 great grand children and 4 great-great grand children. 

As a young girl she was always invited to play baseball with the boys because she was the best batter and could knock 3 people off the bases with one smack.  She was also an amazing sprinter.  Granny can still remember 1924 when a quart of jersey milk was 17 cents, bread 7 cents and butter 40 cents.  

Remarkably well preserved for her age, she is also as a sharp as a tack and doesn’t miss a thing.  She has an uncanny 6^th sense – knows when she needs to call me or protect me with white light.  She recently reminded me to always trust and rely on my intuition which she says I inherited from her.  Granny was widowed at 42, put down her glasses at 60 and hasn’t needed them since.  She still lives in the same downtown apartment on her own as she has for over 30 years.  She walks elegantly upright and unaided, cooks, shops, and socializes each day with by passers in the neighbourhood. 

She’s vibrant, independent, spirited, and forthright. A charming matriarch with sparkling eyes, she makes fast friends and a lasting impression where ever she goes.  Certainly it’s because she is naturally co-active.  Though she has the wisdom of age and experience she much more coach-like than a sage.  She is far more interested in hearing what you think than telling you what she thinks.  However, she will be sure to let you know if you step out of line.  No matter who you are. 

Granny enjoying High Tea

 As a youngster when I stayed at Granny’s downtown apartment I felt so independent and grown up taking the city bus everywhere with her.  I couldn’t sit still as a kid and we were two very headstrong women on a mission.  We’d go for tea, shopping at the big downtown department stores (where I apparently danced to the elevator music like a prima ballerina.  I drew quite a crowd and she taught me how to politely curtsy afterwards).  My grandmother said it was like watching herself as a young girl.   She was a strong resourceful woman who was also maternal and truly a lady.  I learned how to state my mind by how she courageously stood her ground for what she believed in.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Granny be afraid of anything. 

Today Granny is still quite a character.  A few years ago she won a provincial award for a remarkable large complex Chinese knotting project she made.  Two weeks ago she returned from a trip to Toronto for an early birthday celebration with her younger siblings who are too delicate to come out for the party.  Now she has her sights on going to London England. 

She received a special birthday card from the Queen of England as well as a letter from her representative in Canada- the Governor General.  Granny was non plussed and said, “So what?   They don’t even know me!”   She’s more keen on receiving a greeting from Toronto Maple Leafs National Hockey League legend Senator Frank Mahovlich because he personally invited her to a game decades ago.  She doesn’t want any fuss for her birthday just a small dinner at her favorite restaurant with her family and closest friends.  Paring down the guest list to 100 was agonizing for her.  She has selected her long time doctor as her guest of honor.

People always curious about the secret to her longevity.  Here’s what she says:   

• Stay up late, take power naps as needed and sleep in as late as you darn well feel like.  You’ve earned it. Don’t call granny before 11 am! 
• All you need is Ponds cold cream every day and night. Been using that for over 80 years. Without a lie her skin still as soft as a baby’s bottom.  She looks more alive than all of her younger siblings.
• Never skip breakfast.  Eat 3 high quality chocolates a day.  And none of that healthy dark stuff.
• Help anyone in need as much and often as you are able.
• Be kind and friendly to everyone.
• Speak your mind, stand your ground – which she still does even if it’s not popular.
• Drink boiled water and up to 5 cups of English breakfast tea with whole milk each day.
• Do daily calisthenics (such an old word I can’t even spell check it) when I asked her what exercises she did she showed me jumping jacks, bicycling on her back, bending to touch her toes and asked in a surprised voice, “doesn’t everyone do this?”  Can’t you just picture it?   
• Ask for what you want, believe you deserve it, then accept and receive it graciously.
• Dress for success.  Carry yourself with respect and dignity. Don’t leave the house without matching jewelry, hose, hat and gloves. 
• Dress younger than your age and flaunt it if you’ve got it.  Granny is famous for smoothing her dress at her knees to show off her great legs.  
• Get hooked on the Young and the Restless so you can’t wait to see tomorrow’s episode.
• Be grateful for whatever each day brings, have a chiropractic adjustment every month, and follows Louise Hay’s wisdom. 
• Keep your memory alive by reminiscing often.
• Go with the flow- her greatest mantra.  She is a model of letting go and being unattached. 

She lives by Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer 

God, Grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

This is truly an Independence Day.   Here’s to health, happiness and longevity.  

Happy Birthday Granny!

A: It’s a common mistake for new managers to gravitate to tasks instead of people. You got the job because you accomplished things in an outstanding way. Now your role is to support others to produce results and reach their potential. Your success depends on your team’s performance.

Great leaders model and mentor others to achieve their goals effectively. Find out what matters to your people then advocate for the resources and tools they need to flourish. This may mean helping them leverage their strengths, reach their career aspirations or work smarter not harder.

While you have the experience, you’re not the expert. Valued managers coach their people to perform at ‘their best’ by listening more, talking less. Set clear expectations, empower them to do their job, then stand back and let them do it as long as their output meets the expectations. Give direct feedback on areas for improvement privately in a way that motivates them to rise to the challenge rather than discourages them.

Your role is to make sound and often tough decisions with which others may not agree. Create an environment of trust and respect, demonstrate desirable behaviours and foster collaboration by being an example.

A leader’s responsibility is to be the keeper of the vision. Hold the big picture and articulate it in a way that inspires the team. You provide individuals a sense of purpose so they are engaged and aligned with the organization. Valuable leaders have the ability to make their people feel valued.

Originally printed in The Province, June 20, 2010.

“I should like, if I could, to leave a humble gift — a bit of chaste prose that had caught up some noble moods.”

Around 1959, the Rev. Frederick Kates, the rector of St. Paul’s Church in Baltimore, Maryland, used the poem in a collection of devotional materials he compiled for his congregation. (Some years earlier he had come across a copy of Desiderata.)

Desiderata is Latin for “Things to be Desired”

This poem is meaningful to me because when I was about 11 years old my dad gave me a copy of it written in beautiful scrolled old style calligraphy on parchment paper.  He told me of its power and importance for my life. It hung in my room throughout my turbulent teen years. 

Dad always impressed upon me that it doesn’t matter what happens to you in life, it’s what you do with it.  This poem speaks to me about his values and desires for his children.  What he taught me is to honor the truth of who I am, to access my resilience, to give my personal best while stretching towards my potential, to acknowledge and value my gifts.  Always reminding me that I am a child of the universe.  He meant I have the right and responsibility here on earth.  

Whenever I wrestled with issues, or forgot who I was or what I was up to in life, reading this would  inspire me return to what I knew was true about myself.  To remember my purpose is to strive towards what I am called to do in my lifetime and who I was created to be in the world. 

I hadn’t thought about this poem much recently until last week when my dad reminded me of it.   It brought back a flood of memories about how it kept me grounded in myself especially when things swirled around me. 

We were sitting side by side on his hospital bed when he said in a very low tone his treatment wasn’t working. I heard resignation in his voice.  It was my turn to remind him of who he is and his responsibility to make conscious choices in the face of circumstances rather than let his long illness determine his fate.

Today is Victoria Day in Canada and his birthday.  In honor of him on his special day I am reprinting Desiderata here for him and for you. Dad sought to inspire, support and encourage others to improve their lot in life by shifting their mindset.  It would thrill him to know that he is still able to made a positive difference by sharing this poem.  So do let me know what you think of this posting so I can share with dad his impact.

I pray that this meaningful prose has the power again to connect him to his deep strength and courage as he seeks renewed meaning, purpose and peace in his own life for the will to recover from a second challenging relapse in a month. 

Dad, you have been the philosopher, the rebel trail blazer and thought leader that shaped our family’s outlook and how we serve in the world.  You took a stand that anything is possible for us.  And that the most important determinant for achieving the impossible is to simply believe in its possibility.  Since we didn’t know any different we believed you.  As a result, each of us in the family has manifested what others told us couldn’t be done.  This is your legacy.  Your work is not done.  It’s your turn to model this to us once again. Happy Birthday, we want many more with you.  I love you. 

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Copyright 1952

Q: Two of my managers have been squabbling for years. Rather than working things out between themselves, they bring everything to me. I’m tired of mediating. How can I put a stop to this so they focus on their jobs?

A: Being a middle man is a no-win position. It fuels their feud as both parties vie for your attention and allegiance. The cost in lost productivity and increased tension is too high for these behaviours to continue. Reinforce this with consequences if they are unable to collaborate effectively.

Moderate rather than mediate a meeting where they speak directly to one another rather than through you. Point out wherever common ground exists between them on objectives, outcomes or vision.

Give both parties equal chance to present their point of view dispassionately. Trust builds when speakers feel their opinion is being heard and listeners know they are not forced to agree.

Conflict often stems from miscommunication and misunderstanding. Ask the listener to restate what he or she heard, plus one benefit of that viewpoint. Explain they are simply acknowledging they heard the person’s perspective, not that they are necessarily agreeing with it.

Alignment can break down in the tactical stage of determining how to implement plans. Individuals may attack or defend when trying to marshal support for their ideas.

Resist getting dragged into conflict or feeling responsible to resolve it. Neutralize things by asking how they will leverage each other’s strengths to create combined success. Keep the discussion solution focused and acknowledge effective communication when it occurs.

Be sure they leave with strategies to interact more productively. Arrange a followup to check in on their progress. If additional support is needed to de-escalate conflict, contact your HR department or a certified corporate coach while you reassess the roles and responsibilities of these team members. 

Originally printed in The Province, May 16, 2010. ]]> http://www.jonimar.com/start-by-finding-common-ground/feed/ 0 http://www.jonimar.com/be-honest-with-career-coach/ http://www.jonimar.com/be-honest-with-career-coach/#comments Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:33:11 +0000 jonimar http://www.jonimar.com/?p=1096 Q: I am finally warming to my boss’s recommendation to get coaching. Now how do I choose the best coach for me and get the most value from the experience?

A: You’re already on the road to getting more value by your shift in attitude. An open and willing coachee achieves far greater results than a closed and resistant one.

Request a complimentary coaching session with a few coaches so you can test drive the different ‘models.’ Select a coach who is qualified, has strengths that match your needs, and a style that you can comfortably trust. Follow your gut when making your choice.

Your coach is your ally, be straight with them. Provide your new coach with relevant background about yourself.

I mean the good, the bad and the ugly. The good — your strengths and desired outcomes; the bad — where you get in your own way, your shortcomings; and the ugly — the self-defeating behaviours and habits.

You are responsible for getting value from the coaching. Your coach is your ally and wants you to be successful.

You know what makes you tick. Tell your coach what motivates you. Do you excel when you are pushed hard? Or do you thrive with gentle prodding? Growth in coaching can happen in fits and starts. Be patient, realistic and enjoy the process.

 The results from coaching are directly proportionate to what you invest in it. Create three to five significant goals that would make a considerable difference to you at work or in your life by achieving them. Bring a relevant topic to every session. Expect to be amazed by yourself.

Originally printed in The Province April 4, 2010.

A This is the best possible news. Your boss is actually saying he’s confident in your untapped potential and you’re worth the investment. You’re also in good company. Up to 40 per cent of Fortune 500 companies engage coaches for their high performers.

Coaching is a powerful way of moving you from where you are currently to where you want to be — producing extraordinary results in less time than you could typically accomplish alone.

In two or three focused confidential sessions each month, a coach accelerates progress by asking provocative questions, listening, contributing observations and directing your awareness, choices and actions. Any reporting out to management will come from you, not your coach.

As a client you’ll gain clarity, insight and learning. By building on your strengths, revealing blind spots, developing new competencies and taking effective actions, you’ll be able to replace unproductive outdated strategies.

Results are entirely dependent on your willingness to invest in the coaching. Ninety seven per cent of clients report coaching exceeded their expectations. More than 75 per cent experience improved working relationships, while over 60 per cent experience smarter goal setting, an increase in job satisfaction and less stress. Who doesn’t want that?

Choose a coach you trust and who is certified by the International Coach Federation — the worldwide professional governing body. A full description of the ethical standards is available at www.coachfederation.org.

Originally printed in The Province Feb 14, 2010.

A: We expect bullying will end once we leave the school yard; however, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute (www.workplacebullying.org), almost half of working Americans have been affected by bullying on the job.

Workplace bullies use words or actions to assert power over their targets through aggression. They degrade, belittle, sabotage, threaten or humiliate to psychologically hurt or isolate.

If you feel you are the victim of bullying, first acknowledge that it’s happening and the emotional stress on you. Don’t allow this cruelty to undermine your self-confidence or feel ashamed of yourself. Stop being a target by seeking the advice of a mentor, coach or health professional who understands bullying.

Recognize that the perpetrator needs to control someone who enables or tolerates their behaviour. It continues as long as it is rewarded with the desired reaction or response. What repercussions are you afraid of that are preventing you from standing your ground?

While you can’t change another person, you can influence the situation by asserting yourself. Only confront the bully if your physical safety isn’t threatened. Only address the facts by remaining calm and professional. Don’t show any weakness or self-doubt.

Often subtle, bullying can go undetected — except by the intended target. Document the offensive behaviour and tell your supervisor so it is exposed. If the abuse continues, you can contact the provincial human-rights office or a lawyer to determine your right to recourse.

Bullying doesn’t flourish where it’s not tolerated. If you are not getting the support you need from your leaders, you may decide to leave the workplace with your dignity for an organization committed to a culture of respect.

Originally printed in The Province, Nov 22, 2009.

A: It sounds like your direct report may need some additional time or reassurance from you before she is set loose. Here’s an approach that may generate more productive results.

She may be feeling micro-managed when you tell her how to accomplish the task. If she doesn’t feel she has the freedom to incorporate her own great ideas, she may be rallying support to defy “your way.”

Rather than telling her how you want it done, inform her of the end result you’re looking for. Explain why this task is important and relevant. It is more meaningful when she understands how it ties into a larger picture.

Let her know what key elements need to be included in the project and the deadline, then give her free reign to make it happen.

Before she leaves, check to see if she needs any further clarification. To ensure you are both on the same page, ask what she views is the value of this task and what support she thinks she might need for her to successfully complete it according to your requirements.

Boost her confidence by acknowledging one of her shining qualities or characteristics.

For example, “You are creative and organized. You’ll produce a great news release.” Assure her that you are available for further assistance.

When she returns with the finished product, find something positive to acknowledge. That will encourage more of the same behaviour next time. Finally, re-evaluate if the tasks are appropriate for her skill or interest level.

Originally published in The Province, Oct 11, 2009.

A: Hard feedback is effective when delivered with a soft start-up. First, get a clear picture of how your employee thinks she’s doing and why. Suspend your opinion and explore her perspective with genuine curiosity. While you don’t need to agree, letting her know you understand and accept her will make her more open to your viewpoint later.

Point out qualities you value in her — irrespective of her performance — such as her initiative, determination and reliability. Be direct and specific about what is working and why: “You are diligent and meet your deadlines. You keep projects moving forward and on track.”

Provide clear, concise and matter-of-fact feedback about what’s not working. Point to the tasks — not her personally — avoiding all-or-nothing language.  For example, “your reports lack the necessary details to support your point of view.”

Any hint of impatience or blame will raise defensiveness. Calmly explain the cost to her: “When your reports are superficial, the reader can discount your logic.”  Demonstrate your commitment to her success by pointing to specific changes that would produce successful results: “Including relevant case studies and key metrics would make your argument more compelling.”

Let her know you believe in her ability. “You have a solid grasp of the issues. All you have to do is provide more back-up for the reader.”

Ask her what steps she’s willing to commit to and set a time together to revisit the issue. Limiting the amount of corrective feedback and presenting it as a gift will leave your employee hopeful and motivated rather than daunted and demoralized.

Originally printed in The Province August 30, 2009.