Steer clear of minefields

November 3, 2011
Filed under: Coach's Corner — Tags: , , , , — jonimar @ 9:13 pm

Q: My peer’s hypercritical attitude is wearing me down. Rather than deal with it, her supervisors are waiting for her to retire. I try including her in discussions, but it doesn’t help. What do you suggest?

A: Since she interacts with others the same way, this reveals more about her than those she criticizes.

Life rarely measures up to a critic’s expectations, since they usually hold themselves to an even higher level of criticism than they do others. So don’t waste your energy taking it personally. Stress can make people curt or blunt. Maybe she is unaware of how her words come across or how her negativity siphons other’s energy.

If inviting input or opinions, you must to be willing to hear her feedback. Focus on ‘what’ she is saying rather than getting caught up in ‘how’ she’s saying it. Find the golden nugget being offered and acknowledge its value. Leave the rest. Critical people believe the validity of their viewpoint and want it to be heard.

If you’re not ready to hear her insight, do not solicit it. Keep your communications factual, business-like and brief. Stay away from minefields and limit interactions to essential items.

You can’t change others’ attitudes, but you can choose how you react. Why do her criticisms get under your skin? What meaning do you attribute to her comments? What is it that bothers you? Just as the critic’s comments reflect more about them, your reaction reveals more about you.

Ironically, she can be a great teacher. A self-critical person doesn’t have the capacity or ability to offer it to others. However, you will have developed increased self-awareness and self management when you are can respond to her with genuine compassion and understanding.

Originally published in The Province, October 30, 2011.

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