Coaching cancer
June 10, 2011
In my 11 years of Co-Active coaching, the toughest coaching client I’ve ever had has been my mom. She had never dared to believe she had any right to ask for what she wanted. Even her own life. So the concept of living a fulfilling life was not merely a “radical act,” but a foreign concept to her.
Mom’s wake-up call came in the guise of lymphoma at age 75. Even though the incurable blood cancer had first gnawed 10 pounds off her delicate 99-pound frame before she was diagnosed, she insisted she was fine: “I don’t need to go to any doctor!” she’d snap with a swat of her hand at us. Ignoring the unwanted had always worked in the past to make it go away. Why not now?
She was finally so weak that she went to the doctor. We learned it was cancer, and it was advancing relentlessly. In spite of three rounds of chemotherapy, a spleen removal (it can block blood production) and regular blood transfusions in the following 18 months, Mom struggled to control the chaos the only way she knew how – by continuing to live exactly as she always had. She kept smoking in secret, but insisted she wasn’t, and refused to exercise every day, but insisted she was.
Mom’s always been a rebel. How else do you distinguish yourself from eight siblings in a traditional Chinese family where boys are born valuable and girls are only there to serve and sacrifice? Revealing her true feelings was an indiscretion worthy of a beating. No wonder she couldn’t receive the outpouring of assistance, love and support from family and friends. Needing help would reveal a humiliating weakness of character.
We have been partners on this journey for almost three years now. Working as a professional Co-Active coach has permitted me the flexibility to be at every lab test, check-up, oncology appointment and chemotherapy treatment. The first two years, I tried to shift her perspective from ‘the cancer is omnipotent’ to ‘I am capable of beating it’ but she clung to her saboteurs for dear life. I tried future visioning to create a possible dream to reach for post-chemo. But giving selflessly was so ingrained in her that all I got back was, “What are you talking about? What on earth is fulfillment?”
Then, last August, her blood levels and immunity plummeted to an all-time dangerous low, she was stricken with a second more aggressive cancer and Dad, her life partner of 53 years, died – all in the same week. She called it a cruel slap in the face and crumbled into helpless tears. The only other time I witnessed Mom cry was when her father was killed in a traffic accident.
The crushing blow jolted her out of her denial. Mom began wondering aloud how she could transform this disease and take back her life. My powerful question that shifted her thinking was, “What would make life worth fighting for?” She whispered, so as not to jinx it: “To travel a bit of the world with my sisters and be at each of my four grandchildren’s weddings.” These dreams transformed her relationship with her disease. Instead of being a victim to it, she began visualizing her body full of goodness powerfully shooting the invading cancer cells.
Mom and I during chemo
You know how the most powerful part of coaching happens between the sessions? As coaches, we can’t underestimate our impact. During this final round of chemo she sighed, “I guess it’s time I start loving myself.” Wow! That’s HUGE! Since then, she has been paying attention to her body’s subtle cues, being compassionate with herself, even graciously receiving help. The Future Self/Captain archetype I anointed her is “Queen”. She surrenders in giggles when I ask, “Now, Mom, what would a Queen do?”
The journey has also transformed our relationship from one of a mother shielding and protecting her daughter’s innocence to two adult women relating authentically as friends, mentors and equals. It took months of redesign for Mom to recognize that maintaining a stoic facade was pointlessly taxing and lonely. All my life I’ve been craving to know my mom deeply. That was cancer’s expensive consolation gift.
During our daily phone calls, I consciously create a safe and courageous space for her to explore her darkest emotions. When I ask how she’s feeling now, “fine” has been replaced by checking in with herself and articulating anything from “I think I may be on borrowed time,” or “This has been going on so long, I’m so discouraged,” to “You know, I’m pretty lucky.” The witnessing is helping her become comfortable with this disconnected part of herself. She told me last week that talking about it is helping her to let it go.
Mom’s sixth and final chemo treatment is this week. She’s weak from the toxic cocktails, fatigued by disturbed sleep cycles, and experiencing new side effects. She knows her belief in herself has the greatest influence on her healing, but those old self-berating habits are seductive and it’s taking all of her will to hold onto her optimism. She is conscious of keeping the healing energy flowing through her by focusing on the good in situations rather than worry about the worst-case scenario.
I’m writing this in O’Hare airport waiting for the flight home after leading the Process course. Tears are streaming down my face as I reflect on the perfection of being this weekend’s practice client. Skillful coaches allowed me to voice my own fear of losing Mom. They gave me the judgment-free space to express my anger at God, frustration with her situation and guilt about not being able to make it all better. This clearing enabled me to move through my own emotions to acceptance so I can be present for hers. What is…is. It IS enough to simply love her as she is. She may well be the very reason I was called to this work.
Originally posted in the Coaches Training Institute’s blog: Transforum, June, 2011
Desiderata- a tribute to my dad
May 24, 2010
Desiderata is a prose poem written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945) a poet and lawyer from Terre Haute, Indiana. It has been reported that Desiderata was inspired by an urge that Ehrmann wrote about in his diary:
“I should like, if I could, to leave a humble gift — a bit of chaste prose that had caught up some noble moods.”
Around 1959, the Rev. Frederick Kates, the rector of St. Paul’s Church in Baltimore, Maryland, used the poem in a collection of devotional materials he compiled for his congregation. (Some years earlier he had come across a copy of Desiderata.)
Desiderata is Latin for “Things to be Desired”
This poem is meaningful to me because when I was about 11 years old my dad gave me a copy of it written in beautiful scrolled old style calligraphy on parchment paper. He told me of its power and importance for my life. It hung in my room throughout my turbulent teen years.
Dad always impressed upon me that it doesn’t matter what happens to you in life, it’s what you do with it. This poem speaks to me about his values and desires for his children. What he taught me is to honor the truth of who I am, to access my resilience, to give my personal best while stretching towards my potential, to acknowledge and value my gifts. Always reminding me that I am a child of the universe. He meant I have the right and responsibility here on earth.
Whenever I wrestled with issues, or forgot who I was or what I was up to in life, reading this would inspire me return to what I knew was true about myself. To remember my purpose is to strive towards what I am called to do in my lifetime and who I was created to be in the world.
I hadn’t thought about this poem much recently until last week when my dad reminded me of it. It brought back a flood of memories about how it kept me grounded in myself especially when things swirled around me.
We were sitting side by side on his hospital bed when he said in a very low tone his treatment wasn’t working. I heard resignation in his voice. It was my turn to remind him of who he is and his responsibility to make conscious choices in the face of circumstances rather than let his long illness determine his fate.
Today is Victoria Day in Canada and his birthday. In honor of him on his special day I am reprinting Desiderata here for him and for you. Dad sought to inspire, support and encourage others to improve their lot in life by shifting their mindset. It would thrill him to know that he is still able to made a positive difference by sharing this poem. So do let me know what you think of this posting so I can share with dad his impact.
I pray that this meaningful prose has the power again to connect him to his deep strength and courage as he seeks renewed meaning, purpose and peace in his own life for the will to recover from a second challenging relapse in a month.
Dad, you have been the philosopher, the rebel trail blazer and thought leader that shaped our family’s outlook and how we serve in the world. You took a stand that anything is possible for us. And that the most important determinant for achieving the impossible is to simply believe in its possibility. Since we didn’t know any different we believed you. As a result, each of us in the family has manifested what others told us couldn’t be done. This is your legacy. Your work is not done. It’s your turn to model this to us once again. Happy Birthday, we want many more with you. I love you.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Copyright 1952
BC Business: 10 power moves
May 1, 2008
How many times have you inwardly seethed while a colleague glibly speaks up at a meeting, passing off your brilliant idea as her own? Or felt that inner alarm bell jangle when your boss spells out a plan that you know is doomed to failure?
They don’t teach you how to handle these everyday dilemmas in business school, but knowing how to field them smoothly might just save your bacon if the going gets rough. With the help of some advice from the experts, here are 10 tips that will help you finesse the challenges that might otherwise derail your progress from the bullpen to the corner office.
Feature Article: How do you find your purpose?
October 25, 2007
Joni Mar was featured on Straight.com on October 25, 2007.
A life coach can help you ask the hard questions.
When many people hear the word coach, their first thought is of someone who advises an amateur or professional athlete. They’re unlikely to think of having their own coach, who can encourage them to achieve their goals in life.
But that is starting to change, now that Vancouver has become a hub in the burgeoning field of life and business coaching. There are approximately 200 members of the Vancouver chapter of the U.S.–based International Coach Federation, according to the local president, Ray Williams, with about half of them ICF–certified.
