The Buzz
Feature Article: How do you find your purpose?
Joni Mar was featured on Straight.com on October 25, 2007.
A life coach can help you ask the hard questions.
When many people hear the word coach, their first thought is of someone who advises an amateur or professional athlete. They’re unlikely to think of having their own coach, who can encourage them to achieve their goals in life.
But that is starting to change, now that Vancouver has become a hub in the burgeoning field of life and business coaching. There are approximately 200 members of the Vancouver chapter of the U.S.–based International Coach Federation, according to the local president, Ray Williams, with about half of them ICF–certified.
How to mute those inner critics
Q: When I complete a project, I get rave reviews from my supervisor, team and clients. But while I’m running it, I worry someone will discover I’m out of my league. I know it’s ridiculous. How can I change my thinking?
A: Most people get stopped by the Fraud Factor from time to time. The internal voices that motivate our drive can also beat us down when we’re out of our comfort zone, in unfamiliar territory.
- Keep the inner critics at bay. Recognize every new engagement has new learning edges — a unique set of challenges, expectations and measures.
- Give yourself a break. Expecting to be perfect is a sure setup for failure because it is unattainable. You wouldn’t be put in charge if you weren’t capable. To verify this, record your past successful projects. Document the key skills and abilities you will transfer to the new project. Write down your special qualities and strengths as well as the acknowledgements you’ve heard from others. It’s hard to refute evidence in black and white. Review this often during your project.
- Don’t wait until the end of the project to receive motivating feedback. Solicit it along the way. Discipline yourself to hear and accept it.
- Acknowledge yourself and your wins regularly. Allowing them to slide by, ignored, is a tactical error and gives more clout to the unrelenting negative voices that blow every minor slip-up into catastrophic proportions.
The inner critics will persist in wrestling for power over you. Reduce them to an annoying nuisance by magnifying your successes and refocusing your attention on your special value and strengths.
Originally printed in The Province, September 9, 2007.
You’re still the boss of you
Q: People keep dumping extra tasks on to my plate, even though they’re not my responsibility — and if I don’t do the work, it won’t get done. I can’t say no, yet I’m sick of all the overtime I do to keep up with the additional demands. Help!
A: You are a highly responsible individual, but unfortunately your continual “over-functioning” has trained others to believe they can get away with doing less by convincing you to take on their work.
The first step toward change is to understand the payoff motivating you to accept this treatment. Do you feel more valued when others ask you for help? What stops you from saying no? Are you worried about looking bad? Do you fear repercussions?
Requests may feel like demands, but you do have a choice. Take a minute to ask yourself, “What’s in it for me? Am I truly willing — not just able — to accept the task?” If the answer is no, say so up front instead of resenting the commitment or complaining later.
You are committed to a job well done, but how did this become your responsibility? What about the other workers’ roles? Ask what part they’re taking on before you agree to anything.
The next step is to practise saying no to low-risk or easy things. Be prepared for some resistance from those accustomed to taking you for granted, but stick to your guns.
Find other ways to say no. For example, “I’d like to, but that doesn’t work for me,” or, “I won’t be able to consider that until [some future date convenient for you].” You may work for an organization, but you are still the boss of you.
Originally printed in The Province, July 29, 2007.
Be yourself, not a work impostor
Q: My supervisor insists that to get promoted to the senior executive level I have to increase my visibility by blowing my own horn. I find that self-serving and offensive. How else can I advance?
A: Don’t fake it to make it. Moulding yourself in order to gain a promotion is short-sighted and may have long-term consequences. Any behaviours you adopt solely to achieve a promotion will surely be expected of you once you win the position. It can also infect you with a chronic case of Impostor Syndrome. The key symptom is incessant questioning of whether you rightfully deserve your new title.
Catching the attention of key decision-makers by maintaining your personal integrity is far more compelling.
Pioneers and risk-takers get noticed. Take a leadership role in projects with significant impact, that are leading-edge or resolve some long-standing pain in the organization. Leverage your strengths and abilities by taking on roles that highlight them.
Results speak volumes. It is impossible to overlook someone who continually brings measurable benefits to the table.
Know your own terms and present your viewpoint with confidence. Demonstrate executive presence by standing for what you believe in. At the same time, welcome others’ contributions by incorporating their input. Be an inspiring leader. Support and empower others’ success. They will be your greatest allies.
Focus on bringing relevant and meaningful added value to everything you do. Visibility and recognition will be a natural byproduct.
Originally printed in The Province, June 17, 2007.
Walk with your co-worker through his several fears
Q: Our team is rolling out a significant project and my colleague (who put the deal together) is suddenly fretting that we won’t make our schedule or budget. I am confident about delivery but worried about his impact on the team, the project and client. How do I address this?
A: Your peer needs his concerns to be heard. You can be an effective sounding board and keep the project on track.
Set up a meeting where he can verbalize his thoughts unedited for several minutes. Resist your temptation to correct, comment or defend or he will feel unheard and need to cycle through his concerns all over again. Remain detached and objective. Understand what is underlying his concerns.
Once his anxiety has been diffused he can absorb new information. Summarize and replay his concern back to him. i.e. “I hear you’re saying….. am I correct?” Acknowledge a positive quality he demonstrated through his commentary. i.e. “You are responsible and proactive. Thanks for bringing this up.” Reaffirming you are an ally and not an adversary.
Steer him to identify the root of his fear and to his own solution for it. Be curious and interested.
Ask short simple open ended probing questions. i.e. “What was your rationale when you did your due diligence last month? What’s changed? What’s your biggest fear? What’s our blind spot?”
Continually separate fact and fiction. Redirect him to fact based comments whenever he “worries” about what he “imagines or fears” “might or could” happen.
Also tease out the truth or wisdom. i.e. “Where is our greatest exposure? How will we know we are off track? What do you propose?”
Encourage him to document his ‘risk management’ solution. He will feel both valued and relieved. You will have shifted him from being stuck in the problem to solution focused.
Originally printed in The Province, April 22, 2007.
