Coaching a sign you’re valued

July 21, 2014

Q: I am a new team leader and feel I am being pressured by my boss to take coaching. I don’t feel I need it, but they are insisting I take it. Since the external coach has been hired by the company, I am suspicious that he will try to force the company’s agenda on me. Do you agree I should be concerned?

A: Coaching is a sign that the organization values you enough to invest in you because it is intended as a developmental, not a remedial platform.

Organizations commonly sponsor coaching to support the employee’s performance, career objectives, role confidence and management competencies.

If coaching is part of your company’s leadership development strategy, get clarity from your supervisor about their expectations for the engagement. Organizations often hire external accredited coaches who have no roles or influence within the organization so they can provide objective feedback and perspectives and avoid conflict of interest.

While the organization pays for the coaching and the supervisor and coachee may together determine the coaching goals, the conversations between coach and coachee are confidential.

The coachee, not the coach, reports out any results.

During the sessions, the coach does not direct, advise or tell the coachee what to do. They develop the client’s ability to make decisions, address key concerns, and develop themselves – to get feedback, to determine priorities and set the pace of learning, to reflect on and learn from experiences.

It is the coach’s duty to advocate for the coachee.

Surveys have shown 85 to 95 per cent of coachees have been satisfied with their coaching experience and return on investment to the organization can be as high as 800 per cent.

Reprinted from The Province, July 20, 2014.

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Effective mentors make great leaders

January 19, 2014

Q My goal for 2014 is to be promoted to director level. Other than the specifics my boss has told me, what else should I ensure I do?

A: Performing every aspect of your job in a professional and exemplary manner is a must. Going above and beyond expectations, operating as if you are already at the director level will help decision makers envision you in the new role. Focus on tasks that are appropriate for your level. Delegate the others.

When handing work off, enrol individuals so they feel inspired and empowered – not resentful – to help you. People want to grow and learn. Show them how these are opportunities to support and develop them. Coach or mentor them along the way. Step up for high-visibility projects that showcase your strengths and versatility. Increasing your areas of expertise raises your value to the organization. Share your accomplishments where appropriate in ways that are humble and matter-of-fact, not self promotional or aggressive.

Broaden your network to align with the right people outside of your department or functional area. Cultivate strong relationships with peers, your manager and others in positions of power. Collaborating with others to help them succeed shows you are confident, trustworthy and respectful. Communicate clearly, conveying the appropriate amount of information for a director.

Too often, leaders give too little context – confusing the listener – and too much detail, which undermines their message. Find the right balance of both for every audience.

Above all, be yourself. When what you do is a right fit, work is easier and more fun.  Passionate committed leaders are infectious.

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Set the tone for meetings

September 26, 2011

Q: My staff’s harsh criticisms of different viewpoints are preventing the sharing of innovative ideas in meetings. How can I create a more open exchange of dialogue?

A: Besides bringing in a neutral systems coach trained to resolve the team’s underlying conflict, role modelling by a leader is an effective way to achieve behavioural changes. The coaching skills of listening and asking curious questions would help break through the resistance.

Clear out your thoughts and agenda to focus attention on the speaker. If you are sorting and assessing the speaker’s message while they are speaking, you are NOT fully hearing them. You are filtering communication through assumptions and opinions. Listen beyond literal words, voice tone and their delivery. What is the underlying message they are trying to convey? What is their good intention beneath the words? What are they not saying?

Asking simple curious questions in a matter of fact manner will flush out their point of view. Seemingly obvious or dumb questions posed with sincere curiosity will encourage the speaker to disclose even more. Open ended questions that steer toward the positive in their viewpoint and begin with “what” will expand the conversation. For example: What is superior about this solution? What is the benefit? What would this afford us?

Avoid “why” questions that may make the speaker inadvertently feel interrogated or defensive. If the meeting becomes heated, neutralize it by curiously questioning the conflict – ensuring you are exhibiting judgment-free listening and dispassionate questioning. Your consistent follow through will demonstrate new meeting expectations promoting trust and safety so staff are motivated to contribute their ideas.

Originally published in The Province, September 25, 2011.

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Coaching cancer

June 10, 2011

In my 11 years of Co-Active coaching, the toughest coaching client I’ve ever had has been my mom. She had never dared to believe she had any right to ask for what she wanted. Even her own life. So the concept of living a fulfilling life was not merely a “radical act,” but a foreign concept to her.

Mom’s wake-up call came in the guise of lymphoma at age 75. Even though the incurable blood cancer had first gnawed 10 pounds off her delicate 99-pound frame before she was diagnosed, she insisted she was fine: “I don’t need to go to any doctor!” she’d snap with a swat of her hand at us. Ignoring the unwanted had always worked in the past to make it go away. Why not now?

She was finally so weak that she went to the doctor. We learned it was cancer, and it was advancing relentlessly. In spite of three rounds of chemotherapy, a spleen removal (it can block blood production) and regular blood transfusions in the following 18 months, Mom struggled to control the chaos the only way she knew how – by continuing to live exactly as she always had. She kept smoking in secret, but insisted she wasn’t, and refused to exercise every day, but insisted she was.

Mom’s always been a rebel. How else do you distinguish yourself from eight siblings in a traditional Chinese family where boys are born valuable and girls are only there to serve and sacrifice? Revealing her true feelings was an indiscretion worthy of a beating. No wonder she couldn’t receive the outpouring of assistance, love and support from family and friends. Needing help would reveal a humiliating weakness of character.

We have been partners on this journey for almost three years now. Working as a professional Co-Active coach has permitted me the flexibility to be at every lab test, check-up, oncology appointment and chemotherapy treatment. The first two years, I tried to shift her perspective from ‘the cancer is omnipotent’ to ‘I am capable of beating it’ but she clung to her saboteurs for dear life. I tried future visioning to create a possible dream to reach for post-chemo. But giving selflessly was so ingrained in her that all I got back was, “What are you talking about? What on earth is fulfillment?”

Then, last August, her blood levels and immunity plummeted to an all-time dangerous low, she was stricken with a second more aggressive cancer and Dad, her life partner of 53 years, died – all in the same week. She called it a cruel slap in the face and crumbled into helpless tears. The only other time I witnessed Mom cry was when her father was killed in a traffic accident.

The crushing blow jolted her out of her denial. Mom began wondering aloud how she could transform this disease and take back her life. My powerful question that shifted her thinking was, “What would make life worth fighting for?” She whispered, so as not to jinx it: “To travel a bit of the world with my sisters and be at each of my four grandchildren’s weddings.” These dreams transformed her relationship with her disease. Instead of being a victim to it, she began visualizing her body full of goodness powerfully shooting the invading cancer cells.

Mom and I during chemo

You know how the most powerful part of coaching happens between the sessions? As coaches, we can’t underestimate our impact. During this final round of chemo she sighed, “I guess it’s time I start loving myself.” Wow! That’s HUGE! Since then, she has been paying attention to her body’s subtle cues, being compassionate with herself, even graciously receiving help. The Future Self/Captain archetype I anointed her is “Queen”. She surrenders in giggles when I ask, “Now, Mom, what would a Queen do?”

The journey has also transformed our relationship from one of a mother shielding and protecting her daughter’s innocence to two adult women relating authentically as friends, mentors and equals. It took months of redesign for Mom to recognize that maintaining a stoic facade was pointlessly taxing and lonely. All my life I’ve been craving to know my mom deeply. That was cancer’s expensive consolation gift.

During our daily phone calls, I consciously create a safe and courageous space for her to explore her darkest emotions. When I ask how she’s feeling now, “fine” has been replaced by checking in with herself and articulating anything from “I think I may be on borrowed time,” or “This has been going on so long, I’m so discouraged,” to “You know, I’m pretty lucky.” The witnessing is helping her become comfortable with this disconnected part of herself. She told me last week that talking about it is helping her to let it go.

Mom’s sixth and final chemo treatment is this week. She’s weak from the toxic cocktails, fatigued by disturbed sleep cycles, and experiencing new side effects. She knows her belief in herself has the greatest influence on her healing, but those old self-berating habits are seductive and it’s taking all of her will to hold onto her optimism. She is conscious of keeping the healing energy flowing through her by focusing on the good in situations rather than worry about the worst-case scenario.

I’m writing this in O’Hare airport waiting for the flight home after leading the Process course. Tears are streaming down my face as I reflect on the perfection of being this weekend’s practice client. Skillful coaches allowed me to voice my own fear of losing Mom. They gave me the judgment-free space to express my anger at God, frustration with her situation and guilt about not being able to make it all better. This clearing enabled me to move through my own emotions to acceptance so I can be present for hers. What is…is. It IS enough to simply love her as she is. She may well be the very reason I was called to this work.

Originally posted in the Coaches Training Institute’s blog: Transforum, June, 2011

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Start by finding common ground

May 16, 2010

Q: Two of my managers have been squabbling for years. Rather than working things out between themselves, they bring everything to me. I’m tired of mediating. How can I put a stop to this so they focus on their jobs?

A: Being a middle man is a no-win position. It fuels their feud as both parties vie for your attention and allegiance. The cost in lost productivity and increased tension is too high for these behaviours to continue. Reinforce this with consequences if they are unable to collaborate effectively.

Moderate rather than mediate a meeting where they speak directly to one another rather than through you. Point out wherever common ground exists between them on objectives, outcomes or vision.

Give both parties equal chance to present their point of view dispassionately. Trust builds when speakers feel their opinion is being heard and listeners know they are not forced to agree.

Conflict often stems from miscommunication and misunderstanding. Ask the listener to restate what he or she heard, plus one benefit of that viewpoint. Explain they are simply acknowledging they heard the person’s perspective, not that they are necessarily agreeing with it.

Alignment can break down in the tactical stage of determining how to implement plans. Individuals may attack or defend when trying to marshal support for their ideas.

Resist getting dragged into conflict or feeling responsible to resolve it. Neutralize things by asking how they will leverage each other’s strengths to create combined success. Keep the discussion solution focused and acknowledge effective communication when it occurs.

Be sure they leave with strategies to interact more productively. Arrange a followup to check in on their progress. If additional support is needed to de-escalate conflict, contact your HR department or a certified corporate coach while you reassess the roles and responsibilities of these team members.

Originally printed in The Province, May 16, 2010.

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Be honest with career coach

April 6, 2010

Q: I am finally warming to my boss’s recommendation to get coaching. Now how do I choose the best coach for me and get the most value from the experience?

A: You’re already on the road to getting more value by your shift in attitude. An open and willing coachee achieves far greater results than a closed and resistant one.

Request a complimentary coaching session with a few coaches so you can test drive the different ‘models.’ Select a coach who is qualified, has strengths that match your needs, and a style that you can comfortably trust. Follow your gut when making your choice.

Your coach is your ally, be straight with them. Provide your new coach with relevant background about yourself.

I mean the good, the bad and the ugly. The good — your strengths and desired outcomes; the bad — where you get in your own way, your shortcomings; and the ugly — the self-defeating behaviours and habits.

You are responsible for getting value from the coaching. Your coach is your ally and wants you to be successful.

You know what makes you tick. Tell your coach what motivates you. Do you excel when you are pushed hard? Or do you thrive with gentle prodding? Growth in coaching can happen in fits and starts. Be patient, realistic and enjoy the process.

The results from coaching are directly proportionate to what you invest in it. Create three to five significant goals that would make a considerable difference to you at work or in your life by achieving them. Bring a relevant topic to every session. Expect to be amazed by yourself.

Originally printed in The Province April 4, 2010.

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Coaches build on your career

February 15, 2010

Q My boss says I need coaching if I want to be promoted. I’m feeling singled out. How is coaching going to help me and what guarantee do I have that what I say won’t be used against me by my boss?

A This is the best possible news. Your boss is actually saying he’s confident in your untapped potential and you’re worth the investment. You’re also in good company. Up to 40 per cent of Fortune 500 companies engage coaches for their high performers.

Coaching is a powerful way of moving you from where you are currently to where you want to be — producing extraordinary results in less time than you could typically accomplish alone.

In two or three focused confidential sessions each month, a coach accelerates progress by asking provocative questions, listening, contributing observations and directing your awareness, choices and actions. Any reporting out to management will come from you, not your coach.

As a client you’ll gain clarity, insight and learning. By building on your strengths, revealing blind spots, developing new competencies and taking effective actions, you’ll be able to replace unproductive outdated strategies.

Results are entirely dependent on your willingness to invest in the coaching. Ninety seven per cent of clients report coaching exceeded their expectations. More than 75 per cent experience improved working relationships, while over 60 per cent experience smarter goal setting, an increase in job satisfaction and less stress. Who doesn’t want that?

Choose a coach you trust and who is certified by the International Coach Federation — the worldwide professional governing body. A full description of the ethical standards is available at www.coachfederation.org.

Originally printed in The Province February 14, 2010.

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Lost Generation

May 17, 2009

This video demonstrates how easily we can believe our perception is ‘The Truth.’   At the same time, it also highlights how there isn’t “One Truth” only different interpretations of something.

There is only ‘our truth.’  And ‘our truth’ is not even that reliable.  It shifts with our perceptions.  That means ‘truth’ can change from one moment to the next depending on the facts at hand.  Even more importantly- by the facts we choose to give credence to as well as the facts we conveniently choose to ignore in the moment.

When I watched this video for the first time, I felt growing sadness and despondency about how this generation views their world and the legacy they are creating.

Then just as quickly my opinion got turned around 180 degrees to embrace a complete different perspective.

I learned how susceptible I am to being persuaded by a compelling point of view.  Once I emotionally connect to it, I can be drawn into believing it to be “the truth”.  It is so important to stay present and conscious that ‘my truth’ is only one perspective of many.  All of which may be valid and right.

This is where coaching is so powerful.  When ‘your truth’ isn’t serving you, your coach can reveal to you what truth you have adopted- perhaps unconsciously.  You can examine the results you have been achieving based on your assumption or ‘truth.’  Then just like in this video, you can consciously choose to alter your beliefs, behaviours and actions to create more effective results.

This is one way we will change the world.

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Heart has to be in your work

January 20, 2008

Q: I am unhappy at my work and don’t know how to find the right career path for me. I’m confused and afraid of accepting yet another job that merely becomes unsatisfying later. Should I go back to school for more specific training?

A: There are so many choices and a working life is decades long. Regardless of career trends, job titles or enticing incentives, if your heart’s not in your work, you’ll simply lack the staying power.

Focus on a direction you are drawn to — be it finance, medicine or technology. Don’t panic if you can’t pinpoint the ideal job. Instead, explore with an open mind what is possible and available in that field. Future careers can be built on the experience and expertise gained in other areas.

Know that many other factors, such as industry sector, company culture, management style and work environment, influence job satisfaction. Information interviews with people already on the job can foreshadow what lies ahead.

To discover what would sustain you over the long haul, explore questions such as the following:

PURPOSE: Upon my retirement, what contribution would I want to be remembered for?

PASSION: What tasks and activities do I enjoy? What bores me? What “causes” motivate and inspire me to action?

STRENGTHS: What are my unique talents? What are my key skills? What am I interested in developing further?

VALUES: What core values are essential for me in my professional life? For example, integrity, service, flexibility.

A mentor, coach or career counsellor can help connect your key motivators with suitable opportunities.

Originally printed in The Province, January 20, 2008.

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Feature Article: How do you find your purpose?

October 25, 2007

Joni Mar was featured on Straight.com on October 25, 2007.

A life coach can help you ask the hard questions.

When many people hear the word coach, their first thought is of someone who advises an amateur or professional athlete. They’re unlikely to think of having their own coach, who can encourage them to achieve their goals in life.

But that is starting to change, now that Vancouver has become a hub in the burgeoning field of life and business coaching. There are approximately 200 members of the Vancouver chapter of the U.S.–based International Coach Federation, according to the local president, Ray Williams, with about half of them ICF–certified.

[read full article]

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