Travel for work, family life clashing

April 27, 2015

Q:  The travel my job requires is creating conflict with my wife, who has a demanding leadership position in addition to all the responsibility for our five- and eight-year olds when I’m away. How can I make peace at home and still be a top performer?

A:  You’re not alone. Roughly 70 per cent of Canadian households have two income earners trying to balance career and family. With time pressures, competing priorities and conflicting obligations, more than half of all employees report that the demands of their job interfere with their personal responsibilities. Here are some ways the other half succeeds:

Create a compelling family vision together. Check in regularly to ensure you are both on the same page, on track, or need to revise. Openly weigh the potential implications of new assignments, travel or roles.

Isolate the items where you compete and complain. Have an honest conversation about collaborating on them for a win/win/win. Keep in perspective that you are both on the same team for the sake of the entire family unit not just your careers.

Borrowing from work, intentionally define roles and responsibilities. When couples slip unconsciously into traditional gender roles these unspoken expectations can create misunderstanding, disappointment and resentment.

The division of work does not need to be equal, only feel equitable. Delegate anything below your position at work. At home, hire out household tasks so you are free to spend quality time with your family.

A great leader regularly checks in with an employee to avoid disengagement. A great spouse sets private one-on-ones with their partner or risks relationship burn out. Feeling taken for granted when giving your best is demotivating.

Reprinted from The Province, April 19, 2015.

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Be tactful when the boss seeks your feedback

January 25, 2015

Q: My boss asked for my honest assessment about a decision he made which I strongly disagree with. How do I tell the truth without alienating him or should I keep my opinion to myself?

A: While honesty is the best policy, some delivery methods are more effective than others. Rather than react immediately, take time to neutralize your emotions and find some merit in his decision. Telling the boss his idea is ludicrous, then having to retract it afterward is worse than biting your tongue.

Why is he asking for your feedback post-decision? Does he appreciate healthy dialogue, debate and challenge to the status quo? Is he second-guessing himself and values your opinion? Or does he test people to see if they are with him or against him?

What is the potential risk of this decision to the organization and stakeholders?

Be honest with yourself; are you sharing your feedback to improve or alter the situation or to score a win by making him wrong and you right? If the latter, you are sure to lose.

Diplomacy and discretion in delivery are more effective than hitting him between the eyes with brutal honesty.

Meet privately and start by stating what is positive in his decision. Be curious. Ask questions about his decisionmaking before sharing your viewpoint.

Do not launch into a full disclosure.

Be brief with your opinion, framing it simply as another perspective to consider. “Here’s what I see from where I sit …”, “In my view …” Wait. Gauge how it is being received before adding more.

Be prepared with alternate solutions if he wants to change course. However, if he is committed to a direction which you believe to be significantly detrimental, perhaps the most honest expression of your integrity is to graciously exit.

 Reprinted from The Province, January 25, 2015.

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Team lead needs support from boss

November 23, 2014

Q I am the newest member of a national sales team. My remote boss has told me how he expects us to conduct business in a completely different manner from how the rest of the team operates.

I am having a hard time implementing the leader’s directives. The team is sabotaging me by not following through on their commitments, dismissing my input and disregarding my initiatives. How do I get them on board?

A You have your leader’s trust and confidence but not your team’s yet. Even when you bring external expertise and experience to the table, you are a virtual unknown whom the team will test.

Being a change agent is a challenging role at the best of times. People want to maintain the status quo until they understand the benefit to them of the culture change. Employees resent hidden agendas. They want to be informed of any change management efforts before the fact, not afterward.

To add to the complexity, you are new and it takes time to establish enough credibility for others to follow you.

Your boss may be the obstacle to your success. If your leader is privately giving you different directions than how the team has been functioning, this lack of transparency can cause the members to resist your suggestions and viewpoints. To them, you appear like a self-appointed authority, which is likely being viewed as self aggrandizing.

Unless your boss formally announces you as the team lead and provides role clarity, you will not have the positional power to make changes he wants nor will you have the influence to hold members accountable for his desired results.

If he is unwilling to give you the responsibility and the role, it remains his job to manage this team, not yours.

Reprinted from The Province, November 23, 2014

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Isolating worker IS bullying

June 22, 2014

Q I’ve hired a new employee and I am observing the five existing team members excluding him and talking about him behind his back. How should I handle it?

A: Ignoring a co-worker with the intent to harm or control, treating them differently than other peers and co-workers, or ostracism, isolation, dissociation or exclusion from others is workplace bullying.

Every employee deserves a respectful workplace and it is the organization’s responsibility to ensure it. If bullying is occurring, do not make excuses for it. Bullying is not something that an employee should be left alone to address.

Leaders either create or eradicate a bullying culture by how they behave and what they accept in the workplace. Do not ignore, condone, permit or contribute to any form of exclusion of any employee. Put a stop to any subtle signs of exclusion immediately.

Not acting sends the message that the behaviour is endorsed.  Toxic behaviour will grow to eventually subvert the workplace if staff sees there are no consequences. Workplace bullying destroys teams, collaboration, willingness to contribute and increases turnover.

Some steps to diffuse a toxic work environment :

  • Calling a staff meeting to educate everyone about what is considered bullying, how to respond to potential bullying behaviours and whom they can go to for help.
  • Acting swiftly and firmly. Insisting everyone at the workplace act respectfully and professionally to all staff, suppliers and customers.
  • While you may have a code of conduct, establish a written respectful workplace/anti-bullying policy that outlines acceptable and prohibited behaviours – including consequences, remediation and possible disciplinary action for violations.

The most important indicator of a successful workplace prevention program is management’s commitment. For tips on how to set up your policy go to www.ccohs.ca/oshanswers/psychosocial/bullying.html or seek the help of an HR professional.

Reprinted from The Province, June 22, 2014.

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Play nice with vicious co-worker

November 20, 2012

Q: I’m so furious at my colleague who threw me under the bus in front of my entire team. We have to present together to our client next week. How can I work with him when all I want to do is drive over him?

A: Sacrificing a colleague is a cheap temporary solution when the bus is heading directly for him. A convenient scapegoat deflects attention from their mistakes. Running scared creates reactive, short sighted and hurtful actions.

Retaliating may feel better in the short term, but a pedestrian rarely wins when he goes head to head with a bus. It just creates more carnage.

Instead, retreat and nurse your ego until your emotions are no longer clouding your judgment. Replay the situation and identify what you can take responsibility for in the situation.

There is always something. What did you do or not do that allowed you to be cast in a bad light? Find some truth – even if it is only two per cent – in the person’s accusation. As painful as this may be, the self reflection can be a catalyst for huge learning.

Now you have found a starting point to clear the air between you. Take the leader role and book a meeting with your colleague. Open with stepping up and owning your part in the unintended impact. Share what you learned from the situation and what steps you will take to avoid a recurrence. Request his assistance and support.  This can create an opening for your colleague to take responsibility for their actions.  Discuss how you could both work together next time in a way that respects both of your needs.

The bystanders are still watching to see if the runaway bus could take them out, too. Your responsiveness can reinstate the team’s trust and confidence in you and your leadership.

Originally published in The Province, Nov. 18, 2012.

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Give critics a chance to be heard

August 6, 2012

Q My team implemented a company-wide technology change and a small but vocal group of detractors is publicly criticizing the move which is thwarting uptake. How do I get their buy in?

A dissension is normal and creative conflict can lead to valuable improvements when harnessed. Invite the core group to meet with you and other key leaders to voice their alternate viewpoints. Have a few former resisters attend to explain how they overcame their doubts and the ensuing benefits they discovered by opting in.

Set the meeting tone by appreciating their willingness to attend and share. Explain the intended purpose and out-come of the platform change and reiterate that it is here to stay. At the same time, state your commitment to hear their feedback and ease their challenges during the transition phase.

During the meeting, keep the dialogue focused on issues, not on people.

Strive to hear the value, insight and good in their viewpoints.

Remain calm, neutral and objective. Resist judging their opinions or defending yours.

Let disagreements emerge, remain curious and open. Recognize that the emotional stress of any adjustment period can result in a need to vent. Most often people want their views to be heard, accepted and validated, they are not expecting your agreement.

While you may not convert all of the naysayers, your goal is to create enough safety and comfort for them to bring issues directly to you rather than the public.

Schedule regular followup meetings to ensure you remain on common ground going forward.

If handled appropriately, the staunchest opponents can become your greatest advocates.

Originally published in The Province, August 5, 2012

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How to give feedback to under-performers

April 9, 2012

Q: One of my managers cannot address his poor performers. We talk about it, he agrees to do it, then returns with reasons why he didn’t have the conversation. Any tips?

A: Even seasoned managers can cringe at that thought of confronting their loyal staff with bad news. It can be so anxiety provoking they procrastinate, deny, turn a blind eye, excuse, give in or give up. Unfortunately, poor performance doesn’t heal itself.

Shift your manager’s attitude. Remind him that since most people want to do well, they welcome feedback intended to support their development. Leadership’s commitment to preserving an employee’s job rather than setting him up for termination can deepen their relationship.

Your manager may be feeling responsible or guilty that this represents his own failure to support his staff. Consider having the employee’s performance review be reflected in his overall performance rating to hold him accountable. Without consequences, what motivates the manager to keep his team on track?

Enlist a coach or HR consultant to role-play the conversation, anticipate reactions and ways to address them. Have the manager follow these simple steps:

  • Write down the concern with specific examples.
  • List the consequences and implication of the employee’s actions.
  • Identify possible solutions and/or resources for the employee: i.e. coach, mentor, course
  • Set uninterrupted time aside to meet with the employee. Have a clear desired outcome. Prepare mentally.
  • During the meeting, be matter of fact, respectful and direct.
  • Ask the employee for their perspective. Listen openly, offer support.
  • Document next steps in a work plan. Hold employee accountable. Give specific feedback.

Your manager is also under performing. In the bigger picture, what might this reveal about your organization’s culture?

Originally printed in The Province, April 8, 2012.

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Set the tone for meetings

September 26, 2011

Q: My staff’s harsh criticisms of different viewpoints are preventing the sharing of innovative ideas in meetings. How can I create a more open exchange of dialogue?

A: Besides bringing in a neutral systems coach trained to resolve the team’s underlying conflict, role modelling by a leader is an effective way to achieve behavioural changes. The coaching skills of listening and asking curious questions would help break through the resistance.

Clear out your thoughts and agenda to focus attention on the speaker. If you are sorting and assessing the speaker’s message while they are speaking, you are NOT fully hearing them. You are filtering communication through assumptions and opinions. Listen beyond literal words, voice tone and their delivery. What is the underlying message they are trying to convey? What is their good intention beneath the words? What are they not saying?

Asking simple curious questions in a matter of fact manner will flush out their point of view. Seemingly obvious or dumb questions posed with sincere curiosity will encourage the speaker to disclose even more. Open ended questions that steer toward the positive in their viewpoint and begin with “what” will expand the conversation. For example: What is superior about this solution? What is the benefit? What would this afford us?

Avoid “why” questions that may make the speaker inadvertently feel interrogated or defensive. If the meeting becomes heated, neutralize it by curiously questioning the conflict – ensuring you are exhibiting judgment-free listening and dispassionate questioning. Your consistent follow through will demonstrate new meeting expectations promoting trust and safety so staff are motivated to contribute their ideas.

Originally published in The Province, September 25, 2011.

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Dealing with clashing values

August 21, 2011

Q: Two of my employees clash over their competing values, creating tension in the department. I appreciate both of their viewpoints. How do I get them to do the same so they will work together productively?

A: Values conflicts can be more challenging to work through since they are emotionally charged. People tend to feel judged, threatened or personally attacked because their values reflect deeply held beliefs. This takes a more delicate mediation.

Start by facilitating an honest dialogue where both parties can explain their value freely and fully without being interrogated or criticized. The first step is to break through possible misconceptions or stereotyping by ensuring both parties feel heard.

Build trust and safety by keeping the conversational tone neutral. Ask each party: What does this value mean to you? What’s important to you about this value? Have the other party repeat what they heard and articulate how this complementary viewpoint strengthens the department.

The outcome of this meeting is to open up understanding and mutual respect for each other’s viewpoint. The intention is not for both parties to come to an agreement or to change either party’s values. You will need to remind them of this often throughout the process.

Establish common ground by finding a larger universal value that they can both support. For example: the company’s mission. If the conversation circles back to their differences in belief, keep reinforcing their commitment to the larger shared value.

Operationalize the new mutually held belief by formalizing an agreement on how they will work toward it in their own way. Include concrete action steps that they will be held accountable to attain. Finally, affirm their commitment and mutual respect.

 Originally published in The Province, August 21, 2011.

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Start by finding common ground

May 16, 2010

Q: Two of my managers have been squabbling for years. Rather than working things out between themselves, they bring everything to me. I’m tired of mediating. How can I put a stop to this so they focus on their jobs?

A: Being a middle man is a no-win position. It fuels their feud as both parties vie for your attention and allegiance. The cost in lost productivity and increased tension is too high for these behaviours to continue. Reinforce this with consequences if they are unable to collaborate effectively.

Moderate rather than mediate a meeting where they speak directly to one another rather than through you. Point out wherever common ground exists between them on objectives, outcomes or vision.

Give both parties equal chance to present their point of view dispassionately. Trust builds when speakers feel their opinion is being heard and listeners know they are not forced to agree.

Conflict often stems from miscommunication and misunderstanding. Ask the listener to restate what he or she heard, plus one benefit of that viewpoint. Explain they are simply acknowledging they heard the person’s perspective, not that they are necessarily agreeing with it.

Alignment can break down in the tactical stage of determining how to implement plans. Individuals may attack or defend when trying to marshal support for their ideas.

Resist getting dragged into conflict or feeling responsible to resolve it. Neutralize things by asking how they will leverage each other’s strengths to create combined success. Keep the discussion solution focused and acknowledge effective communication when it occurs.

Be sure they leave with strategies to interact more productively. Arrange a followup to check in on their progress. If additional support is needed to de-escalate conflict, contact your HR department or a certified corporate coach while you reassess the roles and responsibilities of these team members.

Originally printed in The Province, May 16, 2010.

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